OCD: The Hardest and Most Important Lesson of My Life
Personal OCD Story from Mourice Schuurmans
For as long as I can remember, I dealt with everything on my own.
Emotions, stress, fear, problems. I always found a way to push through. At primary school, I was bullied for years. At first it was verbal. Later, it became physical. At home, emotions were not really something we talked about, so I learned to carry my fear in silence. Over time, the stress, anxiety, and unresolved emotions built up.
When I turned 16, the bullying stopped, and for a while it felt like my life was finally moving in the right direction. I thought that meant my fears would disappear too.
They did not.
After years of living with an underlying anxiety disorder, OCD hit me suddenly at 27. Almost overnight, my mind became a nightmare. I was flooded with violent, deeply distressing intrusive thoughts about the people I loved most. My brain moved from one terrifying fear to the next. To be completely honest, I felt like a monster.
It was relentless. Fear, panic, guilt, and terror, every day. I would not wish it on anyone.
The diagnosis and the wait that nearly broke me
When I finally went to my GP, I was referred to mental health services quite quickly. The diagnosis was OCD.
For the first time, I felt relief. There was a name for what was happening. I was not going crazy. I was not alone. That day, I felt a kind of calm I had not felt in a long time.
Then I found out I would have to wait eight months for therapy.
Eight months.
I could barely keep my head above water. I genuinely did not know how I was supposed to get through it.
Every day became about survival. No treatment yet. No real support. Just me, trapped in an endless stream of intrusive thoughts. I felt completely powerless.
So I started searching for answers myself. I read every book on OCD I could find. I listened to podcasts. I watched countless videos. I was desperate for anything that could give me even a little relief from the fear I was living with.
It was not a perfect way to recover. It was chaotic, exhausting, and lonely. But it gave me enough to keep going.
The hardest fight of my life
When therapy finally started, things began to change.
For the first time, I learned that avoiding fear was not the answer. The only way out was through.
ERP therapy, exposure and response prevention, taught me that I could allow even my most terrifying thoughts to be there without reacting to them. No reassurance. No checking. No trying to force certainty. Just letting the thoughts exist without giving them power.
I will not pretend it was easy. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Everything in me wanted to run away from the fear. But with the help of my therapist, I slowly learned to face it. Step by step, I confronted the thoughts I had spent so long trying to escape.
And slowly, something shifted.
The fear became less intense. The thoughts started to lose their grip. For the first time in a long time, I felt calm in my body again.
I still remember one particular day when I felt something I had almost forgotten existed: peace. And even joy.
Where I am now
Today, OCD no longer controls me.
I have learned how to respond to fear differently. I understand how OCD works, and I know how to keep it from taking over my life. In my day-to-day life, it barely affects me anymore.
But that period changed me.
OCD can tear apart your sense of reality. It can destroy your self-image, your confidence, and your ability to trust yourself. Nobody should have to go through that alone.
To anyone reading this who is struggling with OCD: you are not alone. There are so many people who have stood where you are standing now. I was one of them. Many of us have come out the other side and now live without OCD controlling our day-to-day lives.
OCD is horrific. You did not deserve this.
But please remember: OCD does not have to be a life sentence.
There is life after OCD.
Note on the author: Mourice is an International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) Advocate from the Netherlands, and is the Co-founder of ObsessLess